A Town Called Clueless

"Well, you wouldn't have to go, if you didn't want, right?" asked Cardamon, "I mean, you could disappear or something. Besides, no one wants a dead dwarf. We've never seen him before, in this town, and the scandal is enough as it is without a death. Although, the magic shop being blown up is a severe blow, I worked there, you know. And at the cafe. It hasn't been a good day. Well, it could have been worse."

She swallowed, "Yes, good wine. Chayne Sa is known for wine. Lots of vineyards around." she waved vaguely, "I've heard of you, you know. The other people at the magic shop talked about you, but I was always in the storeroom or something when you were around."

She'd probably been snooping around the more dangerous products, actually, but she wasn't about to tell anyone that.

---
Theo smiled, "Nope, not at all. And it looks like Cardy is a bit preoccupied at the moment...so it's just us. And business. I don't suppose you've been to the diamond hills recently?"

He noted his sister being a bit indecisive, and talking to the magician. He hoped they weren't confusing each other, or that his sister wasn't being rude accidentally, or something. You never could tell with Cardy.

"Haha! Well, that's all fine. You, me, and business," Jarvis said with a wink. He started drumming the air with his fingers. "The diamond hills you say?"

Jarvis bit his lip.

Diamond hills, diamond hills. Isn't that the place with the...Wait, didn't I go there last week to fetch someone's Pendragon's funeral pap-No wait. That's the slightly seedier diamund hils. Blast.

He looked back at Theo. "Why of course. Magsy's Mail takes me far and-No." On most days Jarvis was a pretty good liar. However, today wasn't most days unfortunately.

"The magic shop is gone then too?" Artur frowned, "Dwarf shows up. Two buildings explode. Naturally. I suppose the dowsing rod I ordered is just dowsing ash now, isn't it? Do you know what the magical properties of dowsing ash are? There aren't any. How very unfortunate." Artur's frown lasted a second longer before he regained his composure (if he could ever be called composed).

"And what exactly have you heard about me Miss- I haven't yet caught your name. Clearly, you know who I am. Artur Lore the Only, at your service."

"Oh, excellent." Theo said, completely ignoring Jarvis's slight discomfort of speech, You see, I'm trying to get a good birthday present for Cardy. It's not for a while, you understand, almost a month, but good to get these things early. I was hoping to get her a nice bracelet or something, and the Diamond hills are not only known for their diamonds, but also the village of jewelers who live in them. Not only diamonds, but all sorts of gems are sent there for working. So if I gave you a written description of the general idea of a bracelet, and you delivered it (and brought the product back, obviously), that would be great. We've got family in that area, so it won't be difficult at all (and it'll take them no time to make the piece). I can pay you quite a bit for this, I know it's probably a ways away."

--

"Well," Cardamon said, considering, "Most of the girls say you're pretty handsome, but that's just generic customer-gossip. It's really terrible, back there, behind the counter, everyone gets labelled the moment they walk in. Sometimes they complain about your weird requests, and one of them is scared of your tortoise. A few of the guys who work there say you're a decent enough fellow, but none of them would be caught dead in baby blue. Which is a shame, because it would go so nice with some of the blonde guys. Then there's the usual whispers of insanity, evilness, mystery, seduction, the usual 'mysterious newcomer in town' talk. I tried not to let my imagination get carried away, but I have to admit, I imagined you a little more tall, mysterious, and cryptic than tall, peppy, and eccentric. That's really a compliment, by the way. Or at least, I really hope it is. Oh, and I'm Cardamon Ko'erey. I'm known for talking too much, and not always having a point. Still, I try."

She paused, "Is this too forward? Did you really want to know all the gossip? Looking back on what I said, I can't help but feel maybe I ought to have been vague and polite instead."

Opal sat there, rather confused. She didn't mind, as she was very rarely not confused. People just didn't seem able to say stuff in a way that other people could understand. Artur's explanation of magic and the SO had not done anything to help her confusion. She had followed the group in hopes of learning something, but it didn't seem like that was going to happen. She felt rather awkward, and she realized that she hadn't even introduced herself to the group. She shifted in her seat awkwardly.

“Generic customer-gossip?” Artur said, abashed, “I’ll have you know that I was the five-times consecutive winner of Witch Weekly’s Most Charming Smile Award!” What Artur failed to mention was that Witch Weekly had gone out-of-print fifty-seven years prior. “Oh, it’s no bother I suppose. They got my name wrong you see, and my picture kept blurring out. My darling sister cursed me to be unrecordable in print. Something about controlling my ‘overactive ego.’ The nerve! It makes it quite difficult to leave behind a legacy you know. I can’t even sign for post without an enchanted quill. It’s quite bothersome.

“In any case, I appreciate your honesty Miss Ko’erey. I suppose the gossipmongers will continue ever after, unfortunately. Never try to put a stopper on gossip Miss Ko’erey, or you may just end up in a large cake, wearing nothing but your knickers. Trust me on this,” He looked at her seriously.

Doc contemplates over her answer. "Certainly! Dddolbpqnlzejbms are my specialty. Once I understand a few properties of SG, I will get to work immediately to uncover some uses."

Following her slightly longer strides, he wondered, where exactly they were heading. Her home? Doc has spent enough time to know that even women, in this age, can own homes. Such blasphemy! But she is a mere child, even in human years. Is she really the capable? Only time will reveal.

"Open the earth and swallow me whole!" exclaimed Doc. "How unprofessional and embarrassing I have never introduced myself formally to you m'lady!" He took a deep bow, arcing his back a full 90.1 degrees. "My name is Duran Odis Cordor, son of Rowan Orion Cordor. But you can simply call me Doc, as you humans are incapable of remembering long names. I am humble to be of an assistance."

"Your sister sounds...efficient." Cardamon said, "Efficiency and nerve is a dangerous combination. I hope your childhood wasn't too traumatic."

Realizing that that was just about the most invasive thing she could have said, she quickly changed the topic, "Cakes? Knickers? Gossip? Sure, yes. Absolutely. Although," she frowned, "It's more the cake part I'd have trouble with, in that scenario. Traumatic experience. In childhood." she said, realizing that everything she was saying was relating back to childhoods, for some really strange reason.

"Nice to talk to you!" she said, "Ah-enjoy the party? I should go mourn the loss of my jobs with some of this..wine...where did I put it..."

Realizing that she'd hidden it in the bush, she was struck with a slight problem. She didn't mean for people to notice that she'd grabbed two extra bottles, and she certainly didn't want anyone noticing that the third bottle was a special compensation present of wine that was probably worth five times what everyone was drinking now.

She looked around, a bit indecisive about what to do.

"Traumatic. Hmm, I've never thought of it like that. But no, that's not precisely the word I'd use to describe it. There's nothing like a healthy rivalry to liven things up, no?" Artur's cheerful attitude hadn't waned, or so it appeared. Little would anyone suspect he was lying through his teeth.

"The Cloud Spire. T'was a magnificent place to be raised. The greatest witches and warlocks across the continent gathered there to study. Far to the north, past the Chaos Lands. It was a sight to behold." Artur smile flickered for the smallest fraction of a second. "But, yes, a pleasure speaking with you Miss Ko'erey. Perhaps we could speak again later? I may have a solution to your little problem of unemployment. But for now, let us revel in the frivolities of the moment. It's not every town that throws a party after two buildings burn down. Ah Clueless, you are brilliant!"

Cardamon almost laughed at his last statement, "It's rather nice, yes! I mean, overall, it's been nice here. For the most part. Although," she said, with a grimace, "I don't think I would have been very happy if I'd been rivals with Theodore. My brother, you see."

Cardamon was noticing a dangerous tendency to move towards more personal topics, and was mentally kicking herself, in the most indecisive and frantic way possible. Couldn't she think of anything shallow and vague and polite to say at all? Comment on the quality of the wine! Comment on the young couple batting their eyelashes at each other only five feet away, and drawing way too much amused attention from the other partygoers. Make fun of something! Be witty! Be conversational! Less indecision!

Wait.

A solution to her problem of unemployment?

Cardamon turned around, grabbed all three bottles of wine, and swung back to face Artur, "So nice to meet you!" she said, smiling for real, "Yes, we'll have to talk again later, Mr. Lore! Send your tortoise by sometime with a message, maybe? Fifty-five, Lilypond road. Or, you know, later today, if we're both still conscious after the party."

She turned to go, but then, in a fit of generosity, turned back.

"Have a bottle of wine." she said, and gave him one of the cheaper bottles (She wasn't generous enough to give him the really nice bottle), and then she walked off into the crowd in search of nothing in particular, with no purpose in mind, but she was in a bit of a better mood so she didn't care much about that at the present moment.

Artur graciously accepted the bottle of wine, stowing it in his robes for later consumption.

"Miss Ko'erey," he acknowledged, tipping his imaginary hat before she left. Artur took a seat at a vacant table, admiring the slightly fruity taste of the wine from the bottle he already had open.

---

Meanwhile, Tortimer was still patiently awaiting his fate in the company of Mandy and the dwarf with the speech impediment. Mandy and Doc were apparently discussing how they were going to attempt to solve the mysteries of that blasted green dirt. Not for the first time in his life, Tortimer wished he was capable of speech so he could explain to the poor fools that anywhere Artur thought something interesting was going to happen was a place that anyone with the smallest bit of common sense would want to get far away from, preferably very quickly.

As it were, the tortoise was only able to utter a high-pitched, "Ma!"

Xeo frowned. While he did not like the idea of simply acting as an observer to the girl and the dwarf, he figured that it would be better than nothing. Even afternoon tea, Xeo thought to himself with a smile.

Zop bobbed over in a general direction that just so happened to be near Tortimer. Well, bobbed in the sense that he's floating up and down and not in the barrel roll sense of bobbing that he was actually doing, so perhaps a better term is that Zop was doing barrel rolls. Zop went on without Jarvis to engage in the festivities of the evening. Believe it or not((George isn't at home, please leave a messsaaaaagggee, after the tone. I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone, wheeere coouuuld I beee? Believe it or not, I'm not hooomee!)), Zop had earlier challenged the elderly Mrs. Geemer to a drinking challenge.

Well, indirectly. A more accurate statement was Mrs. Geemer sat down next to where Zop was paying homage to his enchanted sock puppet heritage.(In the land of Magnificence, it's sadly not an uncommon thing to know an enchanted sock puppet who suffers from a drinking problem), and they just so happened to open their bottles at the same time. A crowd gathered for a completely unrelated thing, but somehow unanimously agreed that a drinking contest between an elderly woman and a sock puppet would be more interesting.

To this day, the word Geemer means, "Elderly woman incapable of defeating a sock puppet at anything-meister" or it's a slang term for drinking expired soup.

Back to the present, Zop did several barrel rolls before finally stopping near Tortimer. Zop bobbed about, looking at Tortimer and going, "Whooo!" in his head. If both of them were capable of speech at that moment, Zop would be attempting to engage Tortimer in casual party conversation. Granted, the science of enchanted sock puppet-utility tortoise relations aren't exactly exact, so it may be impossible to ever fully understand.

That due to the previously acknowledged reason that there are not many enchanted sock puppet-utility tortoise relationship scientists and that at that moment it seemed that Zop suddenly dropped to ground with a firm thud, much to the disappointment of the local enchanted sock puppet-utility tortoise relationship scientists that had gathered around.
-------

Jarvis zoned out for a few seconds like something terrible just happened. He blinked before answering Theo's question. "Oh, well then. family. Lot of help that was in the firewoods, eh?" He paused for a second.

"Ahh, nevermind. I consider you two friends. Tell you what, give me that description, and in two days I'll get you the finest diamond bracelet that Carrie has ever seen," he said making a rainbow motion with his hands for no reason at the end.

He reached into his messenger bag and grabbed two bottles marked, "Magnificence's most landiest champagne."

He smiled at Theo. "Granted, tonight's a different story. Tonight, it's just you and me." He paused for a second.

"...And business."

Nodding at his introduction, Mandy continued to walk in silence, suddenly realizing what she had done. She had not only told more than she had intended about the SG and her plans to these two strangers, one of which was a very strange character with an even stranger name. What kind of a name was 'Doc' anyway? Granted, it wasn't his real name (which, though not for reasons he assumed, she had already forgotten), but still. There could be any number of reasons for that kind of name, not a lot of which were good, in Mandy's mind.
Moreover, and much worse, she was taking them both home. What had she been thinking? Was fame really such a good reason for this? Thinking about the problems she would most likely encounter by the end of the day, Mandy had a good mind to stop dead and tell them she had changed her mind. Neither of which was a good idea - the stopping or the changing-her-mind excuse. If she did either of those, she would have to explain why. And that would be difficult.

Luckily, Mandy was not so absorbed in her own thoughts as to not notice Jarvis' sock puppet making very odd movements indeed close to Tortimer. Stopping, forgetting the two men walking behind, she frowned as Zop fell to the ground. Kneeling, she put Tortimer beside her - remembering Artur's words about him not being able to escape - and picked up the poor, still, apparently-dead sock puppet. For one crazy, stupid moment she tried to feel for a pulse, then, feeling silly as it was only a sock with a face, she got up and started to look for Jarvis.
She found him off to the side of the rest of the crowd, talking to another man. As she neared, she thought of how it would just happen that on the day she ventured to talk to someone, she would meet more people than she wanted to, and worse, she would have to break the terrible news of Zop's death to Jarvis. She regretted instantly being short with him, and tried to keep composed as she stepped in front of Jarvis and held Zop, laid carefully on her upturned hands, out to him. "I'm not sure what happened. He just... collapsed." She fumbled for the right words, feeling she was definitely not the right person to be doing this.

Opal sat down near Artur and coughed slightly to get his attention. She was so confused by this point that she would talk to anyone if they would tell her what was going on. "Excuse me for asking, but could you explain to me what is going on? I have been having some trouble following the many conversations that are going, and I'm tired of being confused." She felt extremely awkward saying this, but sometimes she just had to, especially when you were Opal.

"Well Miss," Artur said, "The town is apparently celebrating the destruction of its magic shop and cafe with an outdoor party! Why? I haven't a clue. But I've never been a man to turn down a free drink. Even the poisonous ones, not that this wine is poisonous. It would be quite rude of me to put a damper on everyone's spirits after that disaster. As for the conversations everyone's been having... well, it's a town. What more, it's a town throwing a party! There must be dozens of conversations happening, all at once! I'm not omniscient, though I can understand why you may think so, so I'm afraid even I don't know everything that everyone has been saying."

Opal rose her eyebrow at that last statement. He really thought that she thought that he was omniscient? "It's just that some of it, especially when you were talking about the SG, sounds important, and I get rather lost when people talk about magical things." She got up. "But it's nothing. I should probably get back to my studying." She paused, and then asked the question that she really did want to ask. "Although, where are the drinks? I haven't been able to find them, and free drinks are very nice, especially when one has lots to do."

Time seemed to stop after Mandy approached Jarvis with the seemingly-dead Zop. Time actually did stop in Magnificence, actually, do to a completely unrelated event, but they are the heroes of another story. The dry, boring heroes, albeit.

Jarvis sighed and finally took the sock puppet. He poured himself a glass of champagne and took a sip.

"Thanks Mandy," he finally blurted out. Taking another deep sigh, he smiled and continued, "The enchantment probably wore off. That tends to happen to enchanted sock puppets sometimes, y'know?" He shook Zop around for a minute before putting him on his arm.

"Babbadoop doop," Jarvis said in a high pitched voice. "I'm Zop, and all I do is bob around all day instead of, oh, I don't know, carrying my heavy b-bag?" He chuckled a bit before pausing again.

He took off Zop and threw him somewhere over his shoulder, hoping he wouldn't forget about him.

"However, tonight's not for mourning, it's about business," he said nodding at Theo. He began pouring himself another glass. "Forgive me for eavesdropping, Mandy, but from what I overheard, you might be interested in what Theo and I are talking about tonight."

After he finished pouring, Jarvis sighed and looked back at where he threw Zop. He then pushed the glass away and took a drink directly from the bottle.

"SweetmotherofVotthat'sterrible," he coughed. He looked back up at Mandy and said, "The forgiveness part is optional by the way."

Theo noticed that the area was growing crowded, which was not great for business. However, the loss of Zop was momentarily depressing and he spent a few seconds contemplating life, the universe, and everything before blinking back into awareness of physical existence.

"Hm?" he said, "Interested? In my business. No offense, but I don't know about that. From what I overheard, and I can assure you I eavesdropped without the slightest sense of shame, I doubt you'd be very happy about what I do."

Artur smiled, "Eavsdropping on multiple ongoing conversations is bound be get confusing." At her mention of drinks Artur handed her the bottle of wine Cardamon had given him, "I believe the owner of the cafe was giving them out, but she seems to have exhausted her supply already. Enjoy this."

Artur took a seat and reclined as Tortimer made his slow approach. Mandy must have let him go already.

Inhaling the aroma of the wine, he withdrew a small vial from his robes and poured the contents into his drink. His next taste was taken with renewed vigour.

Artur wondered to himself what would happen next. The party was starting to quiet down to an extent. Perhaps something new and exciting would be just what it needed to get going again. Not that he was hinting at anything, or breaking through any metaphorical walls. It was simply a thought that ran through his mind.

Far, far away, a young woman stared at her laptop screen, rolled her eyes, and headdesked, before starting to type furiously.

"You asked for it," she muttered gleefully.

----

The party was beginning to die down a little when Mrs. Earret rushed into the little garden area, screaming.

Instantly, people were at her side. Drama? Terror? They were slightly tipsy, and absolutely ready for anything.

Unfortunately, probably not for Mrs. Earret's news.

"You know Maryana Waters?" Mrs. Earret gasped, "She's dead. In the center of the town circle. It's terrible. I was just walking my children home, and there she was!"

This sparked the interest of the crowd, though most of them, in their slightly inebriated states of mind, were not coherent enough to really comprehend what Mrs. Earret had just said. Theo, who had been quite careful about his intake, pushed his way through to Mrs. Earret.

"Are you sure?" he asked carefully. The woman was in a state of frantic fear, and he wondered if she had also had a little too much to drink that evening, "Can you take me there?"

He turned, and noted none of the law enforcers in the crowd. Drat.

"We'll need to stop by the sheriff's office." Theo said, "It's on the way. Let's go. Jarvis, not a word of this gets out of Clueless until we figure things out, you understand?" He directed this last at Jarvis with a bit of a warning expression.

The night was dark and calm, but for the denizens of Clueless lighting up the night with their fires and lamps. It had been a long day, and there would be more to come.

On a main road, some thirty miles away, a pair of Rhorzan (very large lizardlike wolves) were taking a few steps off the road. Their riders, cloaked in gold and dark blue, were silent travelers, directing their rhorzan with quiet, but careful directions. It was a long way to Clueless yet.

Their animals picked up speed, and soon they were the slightest of disturbances in the night, a hushed sound of something padding over the ground swiftly. If anyone noticed, they did not say. It was only a whisper in the still, dark night, and most eyes were bent on Clueless, where the lights persisted.

Within a blink, Artur rose from the wicker recliner and scooped up Tortimer into his robes.

"Miss Waters is dead? That's brilliant! I mean horrible! Horribly brilliant! No, wait for it... brilliantly horrible! Not to sound insensitive, but all these strange coincidences occurring within the same day just spell excitement! Perhaps the town is soon to be sucked into a rift between dimensions! Wouldn't that be something? I hear the spirit world is quite nice this time of year."

Artur had quickly strode up to where Mrs. Earret and Theo were standing. "Yes, of course, the sheriff's office. We must respect the chain of command. Or, I suppose, tolerate it at the very least."

---

A crow sitting in a tree locked a single beady eye on the rhorzan riders. When the riders rode off the bird took to the skies in the opposite direction.

"Wait, dead? In the middle of town?!" Opal exclaimed, standing up holding the bottle Artur had handed her. She was confused by Artur's talk of the spirit world and such, but was starting to just ignore him, as practically everything he said confused her. She walked over to where everyone else was standing, being careful to stay at the edge of the group. She really didn't like big numbers of people at all.

Theo escorted Mrs. Earret through the town, followed by other people who had shown interest in the proceedings. Theo noted the mage Artur following closely, and displaying signs of excitement, practically.

A short stop by the Sheriff's office, and Sheriff Iris, a tall woman with a long dark braid and a practical outfit joined the group, followed by Officer Donny, who carried not only the backup weapons in a deadly looking belt, but also had three clipboards, a sack of things for evidence collecting, and a magenta body bag. Apparently they were a little short-staffed (and short-supplied) this evening.

"Normally the morgue deals with dead bodies." Iris said, "No murders here for years, simply years." she stated, "We'll have to call the morgue staff out soon, if we can get them before the morning, the better, autopsy immediately."

Iris continued on, Theo trying very hard to pay attention to her. Where was his dratted sister? Home, probably. With a twinge he suddenly was very glad that the body was not going to be hers.

The group, tipsy and ragtag, arrived at the town circle. It was almost an oval, really, but circle sounded better. There was a fountain off to one side, a statue to the other, and in the center was a bit of a podium where people who liked to talk and yell would get up on occasionally and talk and yell to their heart's content. Theo didn't pay attention to such things.

But now, he did pay attention to the podium, because there was a dead body on it.

The body of the young woman was twisted, as if she had fallen. Half on the podium and half off, her eyes were glazed over, blood trickling from her head and neck. Her arms were covered in scratches and her dress was torn around the top and the hem and stomach. She was covered in dirt, and her face looked desperate and terrified, as if she'd suddenly realized something terrible at the last moment.

There was muttering from the small crowd. Things like 'who'd do that to a poor girl' and 'barbaric, that's what'.

Theo privately thought that it could have been worse. It was nasty, yes, but not nearly as gruesome as it could have been. There were no bowels in sight, for instance, and she mostly just looked like she'd been in a fight, in his private opinion.

Iris agreed.

"There was a struggle," she said, motioning everyone to stay back, "I want the entire square closed off and I want you all to take care that you leave in your own footsteps. I don't want any evidence of movement trampled, got it?"

General nodding and murmuring.

"This is how you found her?" Iris asked Mrs. Earett

Mrs. Earett nodded, "It's terrible. The poor, poor girl."

Iris only looked irritated, "Looks to me a lot more like the product of a drunk fight. You can tell by the irregular scratches that whoever she was fighting with didn't know what they were doing."

"She looks terrified." The piped up.

"Yes, she does." Iris said, and her face darkened, "And that is not normal."

Under the body, the podium had begun to rot a dark, shimmery substance. The lights of the SO powered lanterns around the town circle did not show it well, but it shimmered just enough. Iris grabbed one and held it close to the podium, to examine the rot.

"That's not normal, and that's not SO and-stay back!"

The rot began to trickle away into nothingness. The body was untouched, but the podium dissolved in the space of the next two or three minutes. The crowd stared.

The body thumped onto the ground.

"If you don't have any business and can't help, leave." Iris said, "Mrs. Earett, I'll see you in the morning for questioning. I don't mind a crowd, but stay back as far as you can."

Her eye alighted upon Artur.

"Wizard, huh." she said, "Arrived about a month ago, house on a hill. You'll be staying, please."

"Me? Oh, I wouldn't dream of leaving Sheriff. I do believe, this is what I've been waiting for. I knew I came to Clueless for a reason you see, I just wasn't certain what that reason was. In any case, I hope you aren't suggesting that I am a suspect, Sheriff. I'm afraid you'd find me most difficult to contain."

He grinned, "Now tell me, how may I lend my assistance?"