A Town Called Clueless

"Oh, you're a suspect." Iris said, raising an eyebrow at him, "Just not exactly in the kind we lock up. You see, I have to suspect everybody. It's nothing personal, you understand. But if I didn't suspect everybody, it would just happen to be that one somebody I didn't suspect who did it. You understand the problem.

"I'd like to know if this looks at all familiar to you." Iris continued, "I'll be questioning all the other magic-users in town, of course, but you're the newest and I'm guessing that most of them will have no idea about this situation. Or they'll say that, at least.

Specifically, can you tell us anything about the black rotting away wooden podium? The girl doesn't bear any particular signs of magic, but if you can...sense anything, any is helpful."

She looked at Theo, "You're suspected too. Unless you alibi out. We'll need alibis from most everyone."

Theo had a dreadful sinking feeling in his stomach, and realized that he had no idea where his sister was. Not that she would have had anything to do with it, but he worried. If someone was out there, killing defenseless young women...

Not that Cardy was defenseless. He fully believed in her ability to take out probably most members of the village, given a need.

"You got that?" Iris yelled to the general crowd, "You're all suspects. Everyone in this town! And I'll be seeing to everyone's alibis PERSONALLY."

Theo watched Iris with an amount of respect and terror. She was deadly efficient and thought way too big to really be practical.

He grimaced. He really hoped she never found out about the business transactions he participated in from time to time.

Artur flashed Iris a brief smile, "My alibi is nearly airtight, dear Sheriff. Many villagers would have witnessed my walk from my home to the charred cafe this morning. I made a spectacle of myself, as I am oft to do." He turned his gaze to the body of Maryana Waters. "Allow me to give the body a brief inspection."

Artur strode up to the corpse without a hint of inhibition, as if he wasn't bothered in the slightest by the sight of the poor girl's condition. He knelt over the body and pulled out not his tortoise, but a sparkling blue ball seemingly made of glass. The item was translucent, which crooked white lines protruding from the centre to the surface. "A divining orb," Artur explained, "It's a sort of magic detector, a remnant of the great Grimboran Magisterium. Sadly, none of their recipes survived. What I would give to taste authentic Grimboran cuisine!"

Artur held the object over several spots on Miss Waters' body with no visible effect. The look on Artur's face slowly turned from fanciful curiosity to worry, though he strove to conceal it. Beneath the confines of his robes, when he was certain everyone was looking away, if only for a brief moment, he drew a pin and pricked himself on the finger, allowing a drop of his blood to fall on the body. It wouldn't be noticed amongst all of Miss Waters' other injuries. He realized he had been holding his breath and released it. It wasn't her. At least not as far as he could tell.

When Artur spoke to the Sheriff again his voice had taken a more serious note, "I can't imagine what went through her mind when this happened. A physical assault would have been a mercy compared to this, poor thing. It's something like a balloon. You keep filling it with air, and the more air you fill it with, the bigger, and better, and more brilliant the balloon becomes! But also the more volatile. You reach that critical point where the balloon just can't hold any more air, and it pops. Our dear Miss Waters, was a balloon. Only, instead of air she was filled with magical energy. It reached that critical point and... pop. That's my best guess anyway. As much as I hate to admit it, I could very well be wrong. Whatever did this is a powerful force. Far stronger than even me. And I'm damn well magnificent, so that should worry you. And the podium is just gone, I can't seem to sense a trace of it."

He looked about, seemingly uncertain about something, "Carrion birds. Crows, and ravens, and the like. They aren't very common around here. If you notice any, you'll be sure to let me know, right?"

Opal followed everyone to the square and was horrified. She positioned herself so that she could listen with half an ear to what the Sheriff was saying, but also listen to what everyone else was saying. It was hard, as she was very easily confused, but it worked. She heard Artur say to the Sheriff something about telling him if anyone saw crows and turned toward Artur, looking away from the body. "I couldn't help but overhear you talking about crows, and I think I saw some this morning while I was studying. I was at my house on the outskirts of town, on my porch."
She had indeed seen them and thought it odd, but had dismissed it, as she had a lot of studying to do and didn't need anything distracting her.

Theo looked at Artur, "Crows, Ravens? You're right, they're not too common around here, but I could have sworn there was some sort of bird circling the other day. Do ravens and crows circle? I haven't the faintest idea..."

Iris gave him a look, "Hush. You're interrupting my focus. Can you alibi out this man, and that woman." she indicated Opal, "for that matter?"

"Yes." Theo said, "They've been at the party for hours with me. This corpse looks fresh."

"It is." said Officer Donny, who was performing a rudimentary sort of inspection, "I can't tell for sure, but it can't have been more than an hour since she died. It looks like most of her bruising was caused in some sort of struggle. I would guess that she was fighting for her life, and doing a damn good job of it."

"So she had a chance, against her attacker?" Iris said, "Interesting. But where does the magic come into it."

"See, I believe it could have either been the cuts on her neck and head that did her in, but I can't be sure, or whatever magic involvement it was." Donny said, "There was a weapon involved, probably some sort of dagger or knife. But only for those injuries. The rest look very much like just extreme fighting."

"We'll have to have the morticians in to make sure." Iris said, "But thank you, Officer.

She turned to Theo, "If these two will also alibi you, then I suppose I can have you three cleared and you can help me with the investigation. I can vouch for Officer Donny and he for me, and also the secretary of the sheriff's office."

She looked at the corpse, and a very dark expression crossed her face.

"I don't like this." she said, "The townsfolk hold that this place is peculiar, but I never believed a word of the 'secret magical substance'. If it is that substance, why is it now, after so many years, that things have finally happened of consequence? But if it is not, what sort of thing has come upon our town with such malevolence."

She looked at Artur, Theo, and Opal, "Though, for all we know, it is the product of an unfortunate magical experiment by a murderous member of the community. Let us hope so, yes?"

Theo nodded, "Yes."

But he thought, and Iris probably knew, he realized, that from Artur's face and words, things were not going to be that simple.

How irritating! Could it really be that ridiculous green dirt? There was no way.

"Mr. Koery." Iris said, "Where is your sister? She's sharp, and I could use the both of you on this."

Theo grimaced, realizing the implications of what he was about to say.

"I haven't seen her." he said, "Not for half an hour or so."

He looked at Artur, "You talked to her last, what did she say?"

Jarvis arrived late to the scene holding a fist sized stack of papers in one arm and a roped up greenish bird in the other. The fist sized stack of papers was the amount of paperwork needed to submit a death to Magnificence's National Records.

The bird was the creature that brought over the files was called a Hanforb, an artificial animal crafted by the Godwin Kingdom's elite sorcerers. They could smell the scent of death up to 150 miles and once detected, sent the paperwork to the courier in charge of the particular sector. The one in particular that Jarvis had captured would have sent word back to Magnificence's Ministry of Appropriate Response if he hadn't caught it. It put up a fight.

He nicknamed the bird Spicy.

By the time he made it to the crowd, the woman in the center had demanded alibis from everyone. He gulped. Not because he was afraid of being accused of murder through malicious use of magic(he couldn't even use it) but because of the very brief, but very amorous affair he had with the sheriff about two years ago until it ended because of...things. Things involving a new interest in making sock puppets and a a rather unwarranted questioning of Jarvis' maturity. Today things between them were less than...amicable.

At least in Jarvis' eyes anyway.

In the time since, he had gotten at least twelve citations for inappropriate use of the courier badge to get free things. All of which were completely true, but something in the back in his mind made him wonder....

All this thinking made him lose track of where he was going when he bumped into Mrs. Geemer.

"Oh!" she yelled. "Jarvis, thank the stars you're here! Someone was murdered!"

"Mrs. Geemer not no-" He tried to say, but at this point, it was already too late. Everyone's attention had shifted had shifted to Jarvis...including Iris'.

He bit his lips. Mother of Vo- He suddenly looked up.

"Why hello, sweetie!" He said with his best smile. "How have you been keeping? Me? I've got a bird, his name's Spicy. You want to touch?" Spicy wiggled around a little.
-----

Meanwhile, the wind had blown Zop into the ground as the sound of Rhorzans suddenly stopped. A rider had stepped off, examined it, put it in his pocket, and signaled the others to continue.

There had been sightings of crows then. That was unnerving. She was watching. Perhaps she was watching for the same reason Artur had come to Clueless himself. He shook his head slightly and replied, "Miss Ko'erey? She seemed quite upset about the loss of her jobs. I believe she left the party a little early to go home, but not before I offered her a position as my assistant. I could use a proper humanoid, bipedal assistant. Tortoises are rather slow, and lack thumbs you see. I see where you're heading with this question, and she certainly didn't strike me as the murdering type. If she did this, she's quite the wily demoness, isn't she? Tell me Theodore, has your sister been acting strange recently? Glowing red or yellow eyes? Speaking in tongues? Sacrificing small animals to appease a demonic god?"

It was at this point that Jarvis arrived on the scene, a tied-up Hanforb held under his arm.

Iris's eyes narrowed with a strong dislike and also a fair amount of general irritation.

"No thank you." she said, "And if those are death papers under your arm, you can forget about having them processed anytime soon. You know we need to conduct a full investigation before submitting them, or else it will take forever to get them out of the records. I suggest you hand them to Officer Donny, and he'll see about filling them out."

Officer Donny looked less than excited about the prospect of paperwork.

"Your sister does paperwork for fun, right?" he asked Theo, "She could fill this out?"

Cardamon had, indeed, at times, been known to help the morticians out with paperwork.

"Sure, I guess." Theo said, "And Sheriff, I'm sure she just went home. She hasn't been strange at all recently, just out of sorts about the jobs today."

"I really agree with you." Iris said, "It's just the technical bit of alibi, and she'll be in the clear. I only ask because I'd love to have both of you on deck for this investigation, but I need her cleared before I can give her any official trust. Personal trust, sure. But the paperwork, the technicalities!"

Theo nodded sympathetically.

"And I'm fairly sure people would have noticed if she'd been looking demonic recently, she gets about town quite a lot. Busy girl." Iris continued.

She glanced at Jarvis again, and glared, "I don't suppose he alibis out." she said, mournfully, "Unfortunately, murder isn't really his style and he can't use magic."

"Well Sheriff," Artur said, "What's our next move? It's quite late, so perhaps it would be most prudent to continue the investigation on the morrow, after our brains have had some time to thoroughly chew and properly digest the situation."

The waning double moons were partially obscured by some low lying clouds that night. Jarvis struggled to keep Spicy in his arms.

"Yeah, I agree with the wizard fellow. I...don't suppose I can leave town to go home, can I?"

At that point, Mrs. Geemer's eyes lit up.

Iris sighed, "Well, you all ought to get some sleep. Investigation, first thing in the morning. Theo, you'd better be at the station in the morning, I have loads of paperwork that will need done."

Theo grimaced, "Alright, Sheriff."

Iris glared at Jarvis, "Yes, please go."

Mrs. Geemer did not agree, "NO." she said, her eyes lighting up moments before, "Jarvis is a man of the world. I'm sure he'll be an immense help, officer."

Mrs. Geemer was a well-intentioned woman, but a loud one, and a tactless. She completely failed to notice the hateful tension emitting from Jarvis and Iris.

Theo ducked out, with a nod to Artur.

"Thanks," he said, "I'd best get home to Cardamon. You mean you'd really give her a job? That's incredibly nice of you. She's a good person, really, you know. She's just a bit blunt and morose, and sometimes enigmatic. It's an indecision thing."

He sighed, with half a laugh, "Well, this has certainly been quite a day. Lots for me to do at home, paperwork, letters to write, oh dear."

Opal noticed the tension between Jarvis and Iris and backed away from them slightly. She didn't like being near people who were emitting such a level of hate at each other. "I think I will be going as well. I have a little more studying that I have to do today." She said, a little awkwardly.
Opal nodded to each of them, then turned to walk away. This had been a horribly complicated day, and it made her very tired. She was not used to being around such numbers of people, and it was very disconcerting to have someone in the town die like that.

It was a really lovely morning. Dewey, and fresh, and perfect. Old Miss Brownboot, who lived on the edge of town with a garden that would beat out all the competition with violence in any 'most likely to cause a rift in the space-time continuum due to sheer mind-numbing flamboyancy', was up early watering her flowers with her miracle-growth fertilizer. No one was sure what it was, and she wasn't telling. Jarvis might be able to tell you a different story, though, perhaps involving a perilous journey and a lot of black black market deals. But that's only a theory.

Back to Miss Brownboot. As she watered her flowers, she had to pause and look up through her exceedingly expensive, probably magical glasses. Because there was dust rising from the road in a cloud, and two extremely strange shapes approaching with haste.

The two riders rode large Rhorzans, both rather ferocious looking. The riders were no exception. Both were tall and had roughly the same build and coloring, though one was a man and one was a woman. Twins? Miss Brownboot thought to herself.

Both wore dark blue outfits of thick, leathery cloth. Both wore large belts, on which were hooked two swords for each. Their capes flowed dark gold, and their hair was a dark brown. The woman's was long and curly and clipped somewhat with golden ornaments, the man's was short, but shaggy, and bound back by a golden thread. Both looked cold, imposing, and Miss Brownboot made a mental note to hide the fertilizer the first chance she got.

The riders passed her home, with barely a glance in her direction, though if the rider's eyes widened at the sight of her garden, it was probably not a trick of the light.

Cardamon was walking into town, having left Theo at home, where he was doing some frantic paperwork. There had been a death. Theo had come home full of stories of murder and magic, and frantically begged Cardamon to tell him what she'd done that night. She assured him that she had walked home, and seen nothing.

Cardamon was worried. A fear and terror had struck her last night, on her way home. Things were not okay. The events of last night proved that. She found it difficult to breathe, sometimes, and had cried for a long while early that morning, in the back garden where Theo could not see. Now she was composed, she was off to offer her assistance to Iris. There was the small matter of alibi. That would be tricky. But if she could not help with the investigation due to her unable to be confirmed alibied out status, at least she could find something to distract her from the fear gnawing at her stomach and terror gripping her heart.

What had happened? What in this good land had caused such events to play out?

She had just reached the crime scene of the town center, when the Rhorzan riders arrived. She was the lone figure in the otherwise empty town center, the body had been removed for autopsy. The riders rode in in a moment, a terrifying moment. Cardamon nearly screamed, but did not, though when she saw the riders, she wished she had done so.

The riders looked at her, and their eyes met with hers, and she was afraid anew. But something made her feel defiant, the thing that had kept her from despairing the last night. None of this was her fault, and she would be damned if she let the world continue down this path of fear and destruction. Indecisiveness nagged at her back, but the fear was stronger.

With her most polite smile, and with a heavy dose of antagonistic energy, she said "What can I do for you this fine morning?"

The riders stared at her.

"Perhaps you would be so good as to direct us to someone in charge of this town?" the woman said.

"Right this way." Cardamon said, gesturing to the road the town hall was on, "Follow me, please."

After Opal had walked away from the crime scene she hurried back to her house, a little frantic. She shoved open the door and, not bothering to turn on the lights, went to a small back room. There was a man her same age standing in front of a washbasin and washing his hands.
"Brother, did it go well?" She asked, hugging him.
"Wonderfully. They found that other body at a perfect moment." Her brother said, smiling.
"Did you...?"
"No. That wasn't part of the plan, but it definitely helped." He dried his hands and looked at her. "I assume your part went well, what with the unplanned distraction."
Opal nodded. "And no one suspects me. They all think I'm an airhead."
"Perfect." Opal's brother walked from the room and Opal followed. "Go to your room and sleep. They won't find him tonight." He said from the doorway of another dark room.
Opal nodded and hurried to her room, pleased at how the day had gone.


The next morning Opal's brother slept in while Opal prepared breakfast. She didn't try to wake him, as he liked to sleep in, and she didn't hear that much happening outside other than the normal morning noise, so she assumed that He hadn't been found yet.

“Well, what do we have here,” Artur said quietly to himself, watching the Rhorzan riders from a safe distance. He had come into town that morning to seek out Cardamon about the job he had offered her, but it seemed that these strangers had found her first. They didn’t seem hostile, but there was something very wrong about them, though Artur couldn’t quite place it.

“They’re definitely there,” Artur decided, scratching his chin. “I should grow a beard. Naked chins are no fun to scratch. No, no, focus Artur. Cardamon may be in danger. They are there. I think. It’s hard to tell. What do you think Tortimer?”

“Maaah,” the tortoise said.

“Very good point,” Artur nodded, “They are there, but they aren’t there! That’s brilliant!” He frowned, “But then, they must be elsewhere if they aren’t with them. But where?” He withdrew his wand and tapped the end against his temple thoughtfully. “That’s it! They are there, and they aren’t there, because they are there! It’s all rather obvious once you put a little thought into it.”

“Maaah?” Tortimer said.

“Of course not!” Artur replied, “They haven’t seen me yet, and I’d like to maintain the element of surprise for as long as possible.”

---((Bah, mindless filler. Couldn't stop myself. Feel free to skip ahead if you want.))
Jarvis threw away the rest of his breakfast into the provided trash bin. It was also filled with breakfasts finished two-thirds of the way.

The breakfast consisted of a (relatively fresh) bagel, regionally famous Clueless sushi(for being able to turn eaters completely orange in six weeks), low fat yogurt geared towards women trying to lose weight(imported all the way from Anorexica), and a cafeteria kebab(some meat thrown on something sharp, and afterwards sprinkled with the seeds of a pom-wom-pom fruit).

That night, he stayed at the local hostel,The Awful Quirk , since when forced to choose between staying in a jail cell where he was sure Iris would slip something in his food, and the elderly Mrs. Geemer who assured him more than enough times that Mr. Geemer was away in the province of Cyril for business, he didn't mind giving up a few currants.

...Granted, he forgot his wallet at home, and the proprietor refused to let him to stay for free. Instead, Leo forced him to stay in the "scum class" room with the rest of the town's homeless. He eventually made friends with one particularly vagabond. Elliot Norwood's business plan to raise chinchillas for fun and profit failed after two weeks after a particularly nasty spiced toast rainstorm caused his stock to overfeed and drop dead.

"Long live capitalism, eh, Elliot?" he said to him on his way out the door that morning.
---((End mindless writing. Somewhat.))

It was a beautiful morning on his way to town hall that morning. It rather reminded Jarvis of his favorite horror novelist whose books always went something along the lines of, ahm...err. Anyways, Mrs. Geemer had offered to take care of Spicy for the day while he assisted with the investigation so he was relatively free for the day.

He stopped over at the florist to pick up a bouquet to place an order...until he realized that he'd probably be the one sent to go out and get it, so he continued on to town hall.

He arrived in front of the entrance. The huge, Votwood doors were also sprinkled with SO to keep them from...igniting or something along those lines. He opened the doors as quietly as you could open ancient, rickety doors and looked around for Theo. The small building was actually only one room, with stadium style seating and two bright red podiums in the center for debate and discussion, reminiscent of the olden days of Magnificence democracy. In the top corner, there was a small stage for a band to play fitting music for the occasion.

He took a seat in the third level, and attempted to adjust his gloves, which for some reason looked really crooked. "Hey, isn't that Pendragon's wife up there? She looks well-off for a grief stricken widow," he whispered to the woman next to him. He then noticed the scent of her hair. "Hey, is that pom-wam-pom I smell in there? It smells lovely on y-" He stopped after he recognized the scent. "Just my luck," he muttered.

He sat upright and said, "Good morning, Iris. Wonderful day, isn't it? I hear the Magsy grey flower is in full bloom."